Rest in peace, my heart.

The picture below was taken two days before his death, when I was still hoping and thinking that he would become healthy again… Ah, this broke my heart. His brother, Billie, misses him just as much as I do. One would think that animals forget companions but that’s not true. And after all they were brothers… Billie now has become more of my shadow then he was before, he even rests right next to me at night. He never did that before. I guess he feels just as lonely as I do. Teddy died a long death, for 6 weeks the vets gave me the runaround, they took my poor cat’s blood, once they tried on 4 (!!) consecutive weeksdays, did tests here and there, never finding out anything. It was nerve-wrecking. Due to the blood clogs in his eyes (right below his retina), I gave him eye-drops 4 times a day, each time three of a kind with a pause of 20 minutes in between. Oh my God, my poor sick kid was so brave though. I guess he felt that it did him somewhat well and he indulged it bravely. What a good boy.

It breaks my heart thinking about him, he was my little soulmate, he was very sensitive to my feelings and moods and was always there in support and comfort. And God, I needed him oftenly in his 8 year short life. He was like my shadow and very oftenly I stepped on his little paws because he was right behind me. I stumbled and fell over him occassionally. My little buddy. He hung out with me for hours and hours on the couch, slept right by my side in bed and retrieved toy mice like a dog. He was so strong and Billie so weak and sick, I always thought I will have him until he is 20-something years and until his little teeth fall out and he would have had bad breath and his hair would start falling out. My little brave tiger. He even broke a back leg once and got a cast. He climbed up the house roof once and my husband had to take him back down somehow. Billie and Teddy caught a bird in our appartment due to an open window last summer and I bet he had a blast killing that thing. That was the only animal he ever killed in his short life, apart from spiders and flies. He was such a good guy. Once he and Billie escaped the house and ran around outside, that was his chance to be out in the woods. But no, when I called for Teddy, he came back inside the house while Billie didn’t care much for my calls. That little dude had past a couple of fences in the meanwhile and I had a hard time getting him back inside. This is a bit intimate but you know what? He even went use the cat litter box every time I had to use the bathroom. It was a little happening going to pee together. When I showered, he sat there on top of the toilet lit and waited patiently for me to come back out of the shower. As soon as I started toweling off, he started rubbing against my legs, carefully biting me passionately, as if he had missed me. That was love.

Teddy, I miss you so much. I have so many videos of you and a couple of hundred pictures and I cry looking at them and I feel my heart crumble. You left me far to early. But it was better for you though, so you didnt have to suffer.

Mein wunderbarer Seelenheiler

I am sorry I am speaking in miracles but this is not a story for the public. I need to be egoistic and take care of myself. This whole story made me so sick, in fact, the last time I was in full health was the beginning of November. My nose has been running since then, I have fevers on and off, my eyes are exhausted, I am stressed out and break out into tears surprisingly and can’t help it.

Sometimes I just want to run, run, run and hide somewhere, not to be discovered by anybody. That would be something – just start out new someplace else in this wild huge world. Nobody would know me, I would have my cat Billie as my best buddy and own a kettle of sheep on my nearby farmland, maybe a very dear loved one would be with me as I sit in front of my tiny old stone cottage on a wooden bench, watching the sun go down on the horizon. Wow! I can almost smell the fresh grass and hear the wind blowing through the trees in the nearby forest. Ah. Butterflies would sit in the rose bush that grows up the house wall and a bird is pecking something out of the fertile and moist soil.

Idyllic, isn’t it?

What the fuck is up with the new dashboard-layout? Oh my God, it is too ugly and confusing! I hate changes like that, can I get the old layout back somehow? Damn

Before I left, I was in such a good mood. And so I digged into my closet-goodie-box and pulled out some clothes my dear Schatzi has sponsored Since the other day he had ordered me those cute orange ballerina shoes, I wanted something to match them! So the first thing I pulled out was my orange skirt. Then I was digging around a bit here and there and then magically discovered the pink socks and the blouse. Ah! Danke, my love! (of course I have everything arranged neatly on hangers but I wanted the drama-effect for this post ) Oh oh oh, did you  notice, my lipstick matched my blouse?

To match the socks, I had to wear my pretty fresh-home-from-the-cleaners woolen jacket.

The honey hidden underneath the surface… Quick quick, stir it! And then enjoy!

I wanted only the red colors…

Yellows only, please!

And now reds only…

Reds only with my valentine roses (muah, danke mein Schatz!)

The skyline of Frankfurt, picture taken through double security window glass from the 25th floor in the Holiday Inn Hotel in Frankfurt

Ich lieb dich, kleenes Schwesterchen *knutsch* Voll süß, mein momentanes Lieblingsbild von dir:

Und jetzt ich beim Klettern:

Ah, the other day my beloved car turned 200,000 kilometers old! Check it out!

(just ignore the speed, it was 5 in the morning andI was alone on the autobahn…)